The Power of Intentional Communication: Transforming Relationships through Language
In our daily conversations, words hold immense power. The subtleties of language can shape our thoughts, influence our emotions, and profoundly impact our relationships. The way we communicate can often mean the difference between conflict and understanding—especially in our most intimate connections. In this article, we explore insights from Episode 189 of The Emotional Balance Sheet Podcast with Dr. Jennifer Dragonette, diving deep into how intentional communication and simple language shifts can foster healthier, more empathetic relationships.
The Hidden Influence of "But" in Conversations
Language is a crucial tool in our interactions, but often, we don’t pay enough attention to the fine details. One listener, “Stan,” shared a poignant story about supporting his spouse through a medical challenge. Although his intentions were loving, he realized that phrases like, “I love you, but…” unintentionally invalidated his spouse’s feelings.
The word “but” can act like a mental eraser—nullifying what comes before it. Even when we intend to comfort or encourage, our message can inadvertently spark defensiveness or conflict. This insight isn’t just helpful for couples—it applies to conversations with children, coworkers, and friends as well.
Why “And” Is a Game-Changer
Replacing “but” with “and” acknowledges emotional complexity. For example, saying “This situation is difficult, and I believe we can get through it” honors both the struggle and the hope. It doesn’t diminish pain or force a binary choice between optimism and hardship.
This “both/and” mindset, grounded in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), supports the reality that humans often hold conflicting emotions. Embracing this can create a more empathetic space for discussion, helping loved ones feel understood rather than corrected.
Tools for Clearer, Calmer Conversations
Dr. Dragonette offers actionable tools for those looking to improve communication:
1. The DEAR MAN Technique
A DBT-based skill that structures intentional conversation:
Describe the situation
Express your feelings
Assert your needs
Reinforce the benefit for both parties
(MAN): Stay Mindful, Appear confident, and Negotiate if needed
Practicing this—even in low-stakes scenarios—can help it become second nature when high-emotion topics arise.
2. “The Story I’m Telling Myself…” Framework
This three-step process helps couples clarify and avoid assumptions:
Step 1: “The story I’m telling myself is…”
Step 2: Ask for accuracy: “Is that true?”
Step 3: Believe your partner’s response—even when it challenges your assumptions
This simple framing invites a calm, curious, and respectful exchange.
The Importance of Pregame Prep
Dr. Dragonette emphasizes “pregame” preparation for emotionally charged conversations. Just as we prepare for professional meetings, preparing emotionally and mentally before a personal conversation can be transformative.
Suggestions include:
Writing out your DEAR MAN script ahead of time
Choosing a calm, non-stressful time to talk
Using “soft startups” like, “Is now a good time to talk?” or “I’d like to share something important”
These efforts keep conversations from spiraling into emotional flooding, a physiological state where our nervous system shuts down effective communication.
Consistency and Connection: The Walk-and-Talk Method
Another powerful practice is the weekly walk-and-talk—a designated check-in time with your partner. By addressing issues while they’re still small (frustration rather than resentment), couples can prevent deeper conflict. Movement also helps regulate the nervous system, making space for more relaxed and productive dialogue.
Even if it feels forced at first, regular check-ins and brief expressions of appreciation (e.g., “I noticed how hard you worked this week. Thank you.”) can strengthen emotional safety and trust over time.
The Ongoing Work of Communication
The beauty of intentional communication is in its simplicity. Shifting a few words, checking our assumptions, or asking for feedback before reacting—these small practices can have a big impact.
But like any skill, they require repetition. As Dr. Dragonette notes, even therapists must practice these techniques regularly. The goal isn’t perfection, but progress.
Ultimately, communication is not just about exchanging words. It’s about seeing and being seen, hearing and being heard. And when we show up for each other with clarity, empathy, and curiosity, we transform not just our relationships—but our lives.